On pest control and quarantine

There were several people that have told me incredible stories about Australians trying to control certain types of animals such as toads and flies. This was one of the reasons why I had to show my boots when I came into the country. Becoming slighlty intrigued with the Western Australian pest control, I decided to read Bulletin Number 4658, ISSN 1448-0352, “You can help keep Western Australia free of pest animals” of the Department of Agriculture. (no joke, http://www.agric.wa.gov.au/content/PW/VP/BULLETIN_4658.PDF ) The first I noticed about the bulletin where the pretty colourful pictures of a Sulphur-crested Cockatoo and a Rainbow Lorikeet on the front. These are animals we find in pet stores in the US. I have also seen several of these outlawed Lorikeet around town and they are so pretty to look at and did not appear to cause any trouble. They did not fly about in large groups harrassing people either – unlike the 16 year olds I saw the other day.

In the bulletin the Government of Western Australia went on to inform us that WA is currently free from numerous pest animals or they only appear in small numbers. Apparently, most of the prior invasions of life threatening living forms were successfully eradicated or contained in the past, because they were detected soon after these animals arrived. I wonder if the aboriginees feel they could have done a better job at that too as now their land is abuzz with people of British, Dutch, German and other Western decent.

Anyhow, let’s not get into this topic too much at the moment. I am sure I will come back to it one of these days. Back to the true pests, the furry little animals such as the Indian Palm Squirrel. It looks rather menacing to me. The list also includes the blackbird, the cane toad, the house crow, the common myna, several sparrows - Jack Sparrow not included – and the starling. The bulletin has a nice description of each animal and also what problems they cause. Granted, if I was Australian I would probably also want to preserve the animals that are native to the country. I do think that Australia slightly overdoes it’s deed though. Several of the mentioned animals are in fact already present in Australia. Thus, Western Australia decided that you cannot bring food items from other parts of Australia. This is where I think they go a little too far. I do wish that someone would control the pigeons in Europe and in the car park outside our offices in Dallas – or the mockingbirds who keep turning my nice flashy red car into something that resembles a fly agaric (type poisonous mushroom that is red with pretty white dots). Oh no wait, the mockingbird is the state bird of Texas – and there are plenty of them around!

So remember! You can help keep Western Australia free of pest animals! Free call to report suspect pest animals!

Aussies know how to make it count…

‘Hello, is this the police?’
‘Yes it is. How can we help you?’
‘I’m calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He’s hiding Cocaine inside his firewood!’
‘Thank you very much for the call.’
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza’s house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.
They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza’s house. ‘Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?’
‘Yeah!’
‘Did they chop up your firewood?’
‘Yep.’
‘Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate!!!’

FAQ on Australia

Q: Can I pick up my camper van in Auckland and drop it off in Darwin?(Belgium)
A: Sure, take a ferry, change the registration plates from New Zealand to Australian, and find a way to calm down the people you rented it from when they hear where their vehicle has ended up.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain
on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water…

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let’s not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

(thanks to my baby sis)

 

Don’t drink with an Australian

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. “In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don’t need to drink from the same one twice,” he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. “Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don’t need to drink out of the same glass either,” he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi. He turns to the astonished barman and says,”In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis we don’t need to drink with the same ones twice.

 

(Thank you for this one Marinda…. I sure hope there aren’t too many Germans in Strailya or I might have a problem)